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shortyrupp
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Name: Kelli
Country: United States
State: Pennsylvania
Gender: Female
Interests: Writing, acting, theatre, movies, photography, pottery, Nature, metaphysical
Expertise: Ask Sam. :-)
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Media
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Orkaellia
Member Since:
3/5/2003
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This is my little corner where I get to be me on an even more deeper level. No one reads my Xanga anymore, so I can say whatever I want without hearing "You sound pathetic."
I hate how things have been the past few weeks. I've been over-worked and had no time for myself. I've had no time to connect with my thoughts. My days consisted of working 15 hours, coming home beaten and exhausted, checking Myspace and going to sleep. Repeat over and over and over again all week. It gave me enough time to react to things without actually thinking.
With the exception of my recent lay off from work my life is going halfway decent. I'm dating a guy at the moment, but I'm unsure of if it will go in the direction that I want. My reality is that I like talking to someone every day, multiple times a day. I like the sweet "Goodnights", the "I love you's" and knowing that when something bad happens that that person will be there to at least listen. I'm not sure I'll have that with him... We'll see.
There's another person whom I dated before (Chad) that I spent New Years Eve with at his party. I had an amazing time. Chad and I have been talking since I've gotten home. Chad has been having problems with his boyfriend the past few months, and they've been getting progressively worse. It turns out, I still have feelings for Chad. I had already known this... I just didn't know how strong until New Years Eve. He was showing me around his new house. We walked up to his bedroom and had a moment alone. There was this like... weird, fuzzy, almost passionate energy that sparked. I wanted to just grab him and hug him for hours. We kept looking at each other the whole night. I kept feeling "something" between us. The truth is, all Chad would have to say is "Justin is gone." And I'd be there in a heartbeat. Chad is very much a homebody, romantic, make dinner and cuddle kind of guy. And damnit...that's what I want!
The truth is I have feelings for people. I want so desperatly to be in love again. I want so badly for someone to be in love with me again... I'm tired of looking back at what Sam and I had and thinking "Will I EVER find anything remotely close to THAT?" Like... that's a TALL freaking order.
As much as I walk around slamming Sam and saying how I couldn't give two shits if Vince treats her like a dog or not... I miss how happy I once was in that area. I was miserable being male... but I was happy with the person that I thought was my soulmate. I had someone I could go to with anything. I had someone who I could laugh and cry with. I had someone who held me when I needed it. I had someone who actually WANTED me. I don't have that now. I have these fragmented pieces of that depending on the day. I have friendships with slight undertones of possibility, but bad timing.
I want connection back. I want MY someone, damnit.
The problem though...
She didn't love ME.
She loved Matt.
To end on a moderatly happy note... I'm picking up my new car tomorrow...
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| It's quiet, I have the room and my head all to myself. I think my best when this happens. Actually, it happens often these days. My phone may ring, I talk to someone for a while, and then we part without saying I love you. We're just friends. I'd love there to be more...but there just isn't.
When I woke up this morning, my first though after "Where are my cigarettes" was "God...Remember how in love you were with Sam?" Yes... I do. Very much so. I've never loved anyone like I did her. I never revealed my soul to anyone the way I did with her. I never sacrificed myself for anyone like I did for her. I went through hell and back with and for her. I loved her until the bitter end. Which is where I am now. Bitter. I'm not bitter because I loved her. I'm not bitter because it ended. I'm bitter because of the way things ended. I'm bitter at the choice she made. I'm bitter because she loves someone that rapes and beats her (if he hasn't yet, give it a month). He's an absolute asshole. And he doesn't love her. He wouldn't give the world for her. He wouldn't risk loosing something just to see her for an hour. He'll NEVER do that. He'll never stay on the phone with her when she's lonely at night.
Damnit... I got side tracked. This is supposed to be about ME.
Getting back to ME...
I'm scared of spending the rest of my life alone. I had to choose between having a life with Sam, or having a life of living true to myself. I was forced to choose the latter. In a perfect world, I'd have both. But I don't. So here's the realities: I'm alone. Girls may like me, have crushes on me, but none of them.. Will ever be able to confidently take me home to mom and dad and present me with any kind of pride. I'm an embarrassment to people. Very sadly, very shallowly, I'm an embarrassment to people. And I honestly fear that it'll always be that way. With the exception of a few close friends... I'm an embarrassment.
HOWEVER....
My trade off is that when I do go to bed at night, I actually love myself. I actually love who I'm falling asleep with. I don't toss and turn anymore. I am at peace with what I'm doing and where I'm going. In the end, I don't care who hates me, who thinks I'm transitioning to run, who thinks I'm a disgrace. It doesn't matter. I'm at peace with myself. I'm not fighting myself anymore. I don't have a demon over my shoulder taunting me.
I AM ME.
And being ME gets lonely sometimes...
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| I'm gonna get this all out of my system so I don't have to think about it for the rest of the night.
I'm going to assume that I'm over-reacting and making things up that really aren't. HOWEVER, in the event that I'm not over reacting... Here's what I'm thinking....
Things are heating up a bit. 3 potential lovers. And I can't pick one.
Again, I'm making assumptions on who the 3 are...
1.) I don't think you're retarded enough to go back to Vince, but in the event that you would, I would completely loose all respect for you. You really must be forgetting how degraded you let yourself be. You must really forget getting in the shower crying and hating yourself. You must forget about having things done to you against your will.
2.) You claim that Theo is just a friend...at least when I ask. So either you're full of shit or I'm over-reacting.
3.) You've already told me that there's no way in hell that we'll work out for the future, so the 3rd isn't me. Who's the mystery man? Rey?
If things were different with us right now, I wouldn't feel the way I do. But since we still sleep together, we still fuck, we still do everything together, we still do all the "I love you's", all of the goodnight kisses, all of the kisses before work, all the nicknamed. We are together...whether you call it that or not. We are...plain and simple. If you wanna date, fine... But I will not be your security blanket when no one else is around. Either we're together until it ends and you don't date.... or we re-arrange things and you can date without having to worry about me getting in the way. I GET that in the future you're going to date. I can accept that... I already have. What I DON'T accept is that you get all the benefits of being together, without the label. Maybe you're just too scared to admit it...or maybe you're too scared of what everyone else will think. It's bullshit.
If you want to date, fine. I'm cool with that. I'll start pursuing my own people as well. If that's going to happen, we need to cut things off. You can't have both.
I am absolutly at my wits end. I cannot stand doing all of the "together" things AND trying to find it in myself to let go so you can go do whatever with whoever. I can't do it. It's fucking killing me. I'm tired of reading something, or hearing something and getting so upset that I want to slit my fucking wrists. I thought I was long over that feeling.
So here it is, plainly:
Either we cement what we have right now, fight it to the bitter end and then you're free to do whatever.
Or we stop doing what we are now and you are free to go figure out what you want. Be that going back to getting degraded and treated like shit, or dating someone twice your age or whatever the fuck you figure out.
I cannot do both. I will not do both. I'm tired of sitting here in MY house, feeling this way. I'm tired of waiting for the day that I go to kiss you like normal and you tell me not to because you've found someone else. I WILL NOT stand for that fall. Not gonna happen.
The ball is in your court.
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| I may feel and think completely different in 10 minutes...but here's how I feel at the moment. I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up to be horribly hurt. I'm wondering if I'm wasting all of my time loving someone. I'm wondering if it really matters whether I'm nice or a complete ass. I have moments where I feel incredibly foolish for loving someone that won't be with me in the long run. I feel so foolish for feeling special up until a moment where someone get's weird and brushes me off. I'm tired of moments when I feel very strongly that you miss the bastard that turned you into a punching bag and a cumbucket. I'm tired of feeling my rage well up inside me and know that there's not a fucking thing I can do to release it. I'm tired of being silent, when I just want to scream. I'm scared when I feel like I'm crawling back into the skin of the person I once was: cold, jealous, insecure, angry, and vengeful. I'm tired of feeling so trapped and unable to let go. I'm tired of feeling so confused. We have amazing moments where the love between us is so thick, it creates a haze... But then you wake me up and remind me, in some way, that it'll end one day. I sometimes get very angry when in the same breath, you tell me that it's going to end and then want me to hold you close. I don't think you get how confusing that is. I have peace in my life...in some areas. There are other areas of my life that I'm far from peace. I'm still restless about some things. I can't let go of things that I can't control. I want so badly to stop loving you. I've asked God to turn it off. I've cast spells to take it away. Nothing seems to work... and I hate that more than anything, I am trapped. | | |
| EDITED...
I wrote a big ass long post and dumped some nasty shit out... I said some things that are truly better left private. Airing them publicly would have no positive value.
I will, however, say...
Sam...Please take me off the subscribe list... I can't deal with reading that stuff.
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